


A Mess of Reality

by Spaghettibopp



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anxiety, Derealization, Dissociation, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25835893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spaghettibopp/pseuds/Spaghettibopp
Summary: Monika often wakes up in her fake little world as one of the only real people in a game of NPCs. She repeats her scripts and follows her programmed schedule, biding her time until she can spend her favorite part of the day with her favorite characters.Or, as my friend called it, "Funky Gal Is Having a Struggle But She's Getting Better Because of Her Softgirl Girlfriend"
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Monika/Sayori (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Natsuki/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	A Mess of Reality

_The game has decided that it’s cold today._ It’s the first thing her not-body notices as she peels off the covers, the faint tinge of fake feeling hitting her fake skin and making her involuntarily shiver.

She has school today. She always has school, it seems. But the school days are at least more eventful than not-school days, where the emptiness sucks her in and she spends hours on the couch without moving.

She only eats breakfast because she knows her not-body will ask for food later, and it will _feel_ like she’s hungry without really feeling like anything at all, and that is always very annoying. So she eats and she brushes her hair and she puts on clothes and she tries not to clip through the door when she leaves.

“Good morning, Monika!” A random NPC greets her in a pre-recorded voice. She smiles back and tries not to stare into the empty void where their eyes should be. 

Throughout the day, she keeps up her image of superiority, of perfection. She has maxed out most of her stats, and she knows that faking smiles can get her further in the game, and so _why the hell not?_ She gets through her classes only half-paying attention, habitually taking notes while her mind drifts in and out of the dull, gray void around her.

One of the teachers says something to her after class, but she can’t be bothered to check the dialog, so she just smiles and nods and they smile back and leave her to wander to her next class.

Then, finally, _finally,_ after an eternity of smiling at NPCs and writing notes for tests she isn’t sure actually exist, it’s time for the day to really start. 

The Literature Club.

It’s her favorite part of the game.

She enters the room as it’s loading the most important part of the world, tries not to let her excitement clip her through the walls or suck her into the half-rendered floor.

“Hello everyone!” The scripted words are bubbling in her throat, and they’re expelled into an empty room before she can hold them back.

But it isn’t empty for long, because it’s club time, and club time means that her three favorite characters are going to follow their routines and come see her.

“Hi Monika!” Sayori - _Sayori Sayori Sayori, one of three NPCs in this game who has a name, who has a face, who Monika would do anything for_ \- smiles brightly at her, and, as usual, gives her one of her signature hugs. Even though her senses are faded, Monika still feels a semblance of how _soft_ and _warm_ it is. It’s empty calories in a world of nothingness, but by god, she is going to enjoy every last scrap Sayori has to offer.

“How has your day been so far?” Monika pets her hair in time with her own thumping heart. Sayori seems to appreciate the rhythm, humming lightly into her shoulder.

“Mm, it’s been alright.” Sayori pulls back, and the almost-cold immediately claims the spots she’s left. “But I’m glad it’s finally time for club!”

“Me too.” Monika smiles, real and genuine as she looks at this angel of a being in front of her.

They hold eye contact for several moments too long, and she’s almost worried that Sayori is glitching when Natsuki bursts in the room and the atmosphere between them returns to normal.

“Heya Nat!” Sayori rushes to hug her, too, because she always does. And when Yuri comes in, she’ll do the same to her. And then they’ll sit around and chat about nothing until it’s time to read poems, and Monika will be impressed with all of them but love Sayori’s the most, because she always does.

“Oh, by the way-” Natsuki sets her bag down in a chair, just like always, “Yuri’s not coming today.”

Monika feels herself freeze. That isn’t in the script, is it? She doesn’t remember reading anything about this sort of deviation.

“Oh no! Why not? Is she sick?”

Natsuki nods, and the subtle pit in Monika’s stomach grows. “Said she caught it over the weekend, some stomach bug or something.”

_Game characters do not get sick._

“Maybe we should go visit her and see if she needs anything?” Monika keeps her voice light, pretends for the sake of the others that this is all very real and normal and a thing that just happens sometimes.

“Uh, I don’t know about you two, but it sounded pretty gross, and I don’t want whatever she’s got.”

“Come ooooon Nat! We’ve got to make sure she’s okay!” A part of her thinks that, somehow, Sayori is doing this for her sake. That she _knows_ Monika is upset by this. And maybe she still has a semblance of an idea as to why.

Natsuki is quiet for a moment, conflicted between, if Monika had to guess, her own concern for their friend, and keeping up with the lie that she doesn’t like Yuri. It does not come as a surprise when she groans and fishes out her phone.

“ _Fine._ If you’re both so worried, we’ll just call her.”

The phone rings a few times, the sound file playing loudly through Natsuki’s speakers. When Yuri answers with a quiet “hello?”, Monika feels her not-body let out a sigh of almost-relief.

Yuri is well enough to talk, so they do. She confirms that she is, indeed, sick, and accidentally lets slip that she thinks she might have caught it after going to the mall with Natsuki over the weekend.

Sayori just smiles, bright and wide and knowing, and Monika can’t help but tease the very flustered Natsuki who claims that it was “just an accident!” Of course, it was just a total coincidence that the two happened to be at the same place at the same time. Why else would Natsuki be wearing a brand new necklace the shade of their lovely friend’s purple hair?

When Monika points it out, Natsuki just clutches it protectively and screams that it “wasn’t a date,” despite no one calling it such. Sayori laughs and Monika cracks a smile, and they all can hear the incredibly embarrassed way Yuri tries to change the subject.

They hold off on poems for the day, and they sit and talk to Yuri through the phone until club time is over. Natsuki packs up and leaves early, as usual, so Yuri hangs up too. And Monika is packing her bags slowly because she doesn’t want this to end, even though Sayori should be leaving any second now.

“Hey.” She looks to see Sayori in front of her, face full of concern. “Are you okay?” Her voice is quiet and open and welcoming, like tentative arms stretched out for a hug.

Monika sighs, feels the code around her, feels the numbness in her fingertips and the way nothing around her feels _real._

“It’s just been a little worse than usual today.” She decides on, because the word for it feels wrong just as much as the world itself feels wrong. 

Gentle hands take her own, caress her smooth fake skin as though it were real and important. Gentle eyes gaze into hers and she knows Sayori is there, even if the chair she’s sitting in isn’t, or the desks that litter the classroom, or the people leaving their own clubs and filtering into the halls outside. All of that is just for the background, 3D models made to fill an environment. She doesn’t need them. She just needs Sayori.

“Maybe you should call your therapist? I know, I - don’t give me that look, Monnie, I _know_ why you don’t like it. And that’s a valid reason. But if things are that bad, it might still help.”

_”Derealization can come from severe anxiety. Have you tried any of the coping skills we talked about before?”_

_”....”_

_”Monika, it is important that you find outlets for these feelings. You mentioned being the president of a literature club. Have you considered putting some of what you’re feeling down into writing?”_

_”We share poetry sometimes.”_

_”That’s good! Maybe you should write down your experiences. You don’t have to share them if you’re not comfortable, but it could open a new door to your friendships.”_

_”Yeah….”_

She sighs, leans forward enough that she can rest her head on Sayori’s stomach. Sayori undoes her ponytail and begins brushing her hair with her fingers.

They sit there until Monika feels capable of going home, even if she’s not ready to tell her parents about having one of her “off” days. Sayori walks with her, gently swaying their interlocked hands all the way until they get to the door. Monika double-checks that her parents can’t see them from inside before giving Sayori a quick peck. 

“Thank you.” She doesn’t miss the blush that dusts her girlfriend’s cheeks, or the goofy smile as she responds with a ridiculous “No prob, Bob.”

They part ways and Monika enters the house feeling like things are, just a little, less like a game and more like reality. And for now, that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends, how are we coping today
> 
> Figured I would do something a bit messier while I edit chapter two of "Relapse." I love Monika's character in a not-a-game universe, and have a lot of ideas for her. Given what she struggles with in the game, the sense that she's the only "real" person in a fake world would probably carry over into an AU. And whaddya know it, I just so happened to have struggled with derealization too, so it felt fitting to write this.  
> Enjoy!


End file.
